Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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