if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
