Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
