I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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