You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
