im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
