you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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