I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
