Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think i have herpe
just one?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
