I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
