so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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