hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
