You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
