i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
