her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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