My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
