im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
