I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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