Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
