I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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