i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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