If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
