The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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