This is not my ceiling
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
