yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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