so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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