Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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