I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
