You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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