can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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