Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I met the friendliest cop last night
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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