Who did Billy Mays play for?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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