I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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