There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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