if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I supernannyed him into submission
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
