I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
