You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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