I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
