"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
