you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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