True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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