She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
