Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
