Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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