ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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