Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
