My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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