If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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