next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
