I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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