nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
