I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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