Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
