So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
