Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
