I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
