I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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