Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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