I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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