im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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